"Rage- whether in reaction to social injustice, or to our leaders insanity, or to those  who threaten to harm us -                   is a powerful energy that, with diligent practice, can be transformed into fierce compassion" - Bonnie Myotai Treace

“Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.” - Horace

​“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha
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Most of us have been effected by anger either at familial, societal or individual level. Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions because of its complex layers. Anger can both empower us but also lead us to do destructive unthinkable acts. We have unfortunately been impacted as a nation by the increase in shootings leaving us to wonder if one of the main underlining causes that motivate these shooters is anger driven. While at the same time Mothers against Drunk Driving aka M.A.D.D. was founded by women who have lost their loved ones to drunk drivers thus showing the positive power anger can have to help promote well needed social change. 

I am writing about anger because I have decided to focus on the intervention and prevention of domestic violence and intimate partner violence.  I am making it my mission along with my colleague, Loretta Zerelli, LPC from Sunrise Professional Counseling, LLC, to be a part of a much needed movement to not only help those that have been the victims of anger, but also to treat and heal those who are the perpetrators. Through our own experience in our private practices, our collaborative efforts and the research we have conducted,  we have discovered that those in need of anger management  treatment are often underserved and also misunderstood. We have seen a gap in services especially in the area of helping to prevent and heal intimate partner violence (IPV) so that families can learn to thrive instead of fail and children can be saved by helping their parents.

This is not an easy undertaking as I mentioned earlier, because there can be many emotions that are masking anger. Many practitioners and therapists believe anger is a secondary emotion that is expressed instead of the primary emotion which may include fear, hurt, sadness, or frustration or a combination of any of these. Over the past few years, I have immersed myself in research trying to understood many questions such as: what causes anger?; when does anger cross the line into being unhealthy?; what are the different types of anger?; what are the best most effective methods to treat anger?; how can we help couples heal and improve their relationship when one or both partners has an anger problem?

As I discover the answer to these questions, I have been putting together an 8-10 week treatment group that is a compilation of what I believe to be the most up to date effective resources and material that address the complicated focus of helping people with anger issues. This course will be offered in 2020, when we launch our business called Luminations Healing Center, LLC. In the meantime, starting the week of September 16th, 2019, Loretta and I will be offering a Healing group or women who have been survivors of domestic violence. The details of this group can be found on the groups and contact page. 

I hope that you will join us in this effort to focus on the area of healing and prevention of domestic violence!

I have been a therapist for almost 25 years in three different states with hundred’s of clients, and a common theme that comes up this time of year is helping clients’ overcome their sadness during the holidays. As many of you may face, family is not exactly what you hoped or expected it to be, which can often create feelings of loneliness, depression and a sense of not feeling good enough. Whether you are coping with the loss of a significant loved one for the first time this year or like most people, your family situation looks more like an Andy Warhol painting than it does a Norman Rockwell painting, learning to navigate our unhappy emotions and beat the Holiday Blues can be challenging.

I recently heard a quote from a spiritual teacher who said, “family is overrated,” which was such a simple statement but yet so controversial and thought-provoking. Many people would probably take offense to this comment, but having the perspective of a therapist who has seen the gamut of family dysfunction, I really see the value of this concept. First of all, the basic fact is, you don’t choose your blood relatives. If people were really honest with themselves, would many of them actually choose their relatives as people they would associate with, or is it really out of a sense of obligation and the cultural belief system that is ingrained in them which is “family comes first?”

I often say to people in my therapy sessions that you are born into a family, and then you need to find your tribe. I define a tribe as usually non-blood relatives whom you form relationships with because they feel safe to be vulnerable with and it feels good to be around them. Your tribe are people who just seem to understand you, who you can be yourself around and who you feel unconditionally loved by.

I have observed countless people both professionally and personally who struggle with feeling unhappy and inadequate all of their lives because they are primarily focused on trying to get their family members to approve of them, to accept them and to love them. When people can let go of their faulty belief system that family can fulfill all their needs or that there is something wrong with them if they don’t fit into their family of origin, then it releases them to expand their definition of family, and to open themselves up to finding loving connections with like-minded people from their Tribe instead. It helps people become more grateful and joyful in general when they do have people in their lives that appreciate them, instead of feeling depressed and resentful and trapped in the victim mentality if they don’t feel a positive connection with their family members.

In addition, it is really important to emphasize that it is our individual responsibility to meet our own needs and to learn to love and appreciate ourselves first rather than expecting to receive that from the significant people in our life. It is my belief that all relationships are basically a mirror of what we think of ourselves, and therefore, we must first find our happiness and self-worth from the inside out instead of the outside in.

I believe it is a really good time of year to re-evaluate all of our relationships, especially reviewing those relationships with our family members that we are trying so hard to make work even if the relationship is clearly “toxic” or unhealthy for us because we have continued to adopt distorted beliefs from our culture. Therefore, I challenge you this Holiday Season to value yourselves enough to ask the question of all your relationships: Does this relationship really foster your growth, reflect how you believe you deserve to be treated and resonate with your authentic higher self? If the answer is no, you need to shift your perspective and focus on finding and/or cultivating your Tribal connections, and let go of the unrealistic conditioned belief of how you believe family “should” be.

 Ariel Schulz, LSCW delivers another insightful look into how to be "mindful" and improve your life's outcome. VIEW this beautiful short video advice shot in Arizona on 3 Types of Meditation advice and insight is a resource site used by her to provide materials to help us be a better equiped being. 

Another resource Ariel would like to share with you is a website called Reflect Relate Renew, which provides extremely beneficial resources to help people who are caretakers of children or other loved one's with Mental Health issues (Register for the Reflect Relate Renew website using the link http://reflectrelaterenew.com/ ). You can also listen to Ariel's presentation about Building Personal Resilience on the telesummit series hosted by this website now by clicking on the News and About Me tab above. Her recent blog entry advising us on how to Beat the Holiday Blues was also featured on the Reflect Relate Renew website, along with other featured experts offering advice and services. To read articles and listen to many other insightful experts on various self-help topics from around the country use this link after registering http://reflectrelaterenew.com/articles/.
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Ariel Schulz's material resources and her insight of over 20 years of therapy and life coaching with people just like us, give us insight into how to cope with situations ranging from normal everyday challenges to a life changing event that appears out of nowhere... take a look at Ariel's helpful hints about how to Become (more) Aware or Beware by living a more Intentional life . Your life will change, your experiences will be richer and your goals clearer, as you learn to maneuver more easily through what might seem like a road block or a major detour in the road ... on to bigger and better things. It's like learning to "pave your own smooth traffic free roads, learning how to flow with the traffic instead of always driving on someone else's potholed, under construction, jammed toll roads." START today. Take control of your life by visiting the Workshops and Life Coaching tab above...START Living the life you always dreamed of NOW.

“Seek not outside yourself. For all your pain comes simply from a futile search for what you want, insisting where it must be found. What if it is not there? Do you prefer that you be right or be happy? Be glad that you are told where happiness abides, and seek no longer elsewhere. You will fail. But it is given you to know the truth, and not seek for it outside yourself.” Helen Schucman from A Course In Miracles 

When I was in college, I learned a term in my psychology class that stuck with me: “fictional finalisms.” Since I have become a therapist, this term has become even more relevant because it describes a faulty belief system that so many of us hold. In simple terms, fictional finalisms means we believe that once we attain a particular goal in our life that we have been striving to achieve, then everything will be “all better” and we won’t have anything else to worry about. In metaphorical terms, it’s as though you are on a train, waiting for the final train station because you believe that when you arrive there, you will finally be happy, achieve inner peace, be stress free, etc. – because it is where you’ve always wanted to be.

There are several things wrong with this way of thinking. First, as many of us reach milestones in our life -- such as graduating from school, getting married, landing that perfect job or finally moving out of our parent’s house -- we then realize that with each one gained, there is another level of challenges and obstacles we need to face. Secondly, when we are so focused on the “final destination,” we dismiss the importance of the journey and all the beautiful scenery and possible personal growth we can gain along the way. As Miley Cyrus’ song “It’s the Climb” illustrates (sorry to quote such a controversial celebrity, but I love the song), it isn’t finally reaching the top of the mountain that’s the point of life, but the journey along the way.

Instead of focusing on the final destination as the answer to our happiness, one of the only ways I believe we can achieve that inner peace and reach a place of contentment in our life is to lower our expectations and not be attached to a particular outcome. We cannot control what the Universe decides to throw at us, so ultimately it’s not WHAT happens to us but HOW we handle it.

There is a Spiritual book I recommend called, When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron that explains this concept really well. Basically the author says that we cling to “babysitters” in the desperate hope that certain thing or person will fill the void and make us finally feel secure in such an unpredictable world. She goes on to explain that we have to let go of the belief that we will find reassurance outside of ourselves and instead look within to discover our inner peace.

My message here is not to say that you shouldn’t have goals or be proud of your achievements. It’s just a reminder that it is not healthy or helpful to base all of our happiness and sense of self-worth on reaching a final outcome. On the other hand, learning to identify and be grateful for the daily successes, living in the moment, and trusting and going with the flow are focuses that will help you to maneuver through life more enjoyably and gracefully.

"At each moment you choose the intentions that will shape your experiences and those things upon which you will focus your intention. If you choose unconsciously, you evolve unconsciously.. If you choose consciously, you evolve consciously." Gary Zukav from Thoughts from the Seat of the Soul

My Intention
I decided to write this blog as a way to give my clients and other readers various techniques and insights to help them become their true self.  It is my hope that the information and workshops I provide will help people gain more self-awareness about the obstacles that interfere with them reaching their highest potential. The phrase that came to me when thinking about this blog, “Be Aware or Beware,” captures the essence of living a conscious life. By peeling away the layers of conditioned, ingrained messages and learning to tune in to who we truly are, I believe we can learn our lessons in life less painfully and more gracefully rather than needing to be hit over the head by the proverbial two by four. My ultimate goal is to help people get out of the loop of insanity which has been aptly described as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result.”

Understanding the Psychology Field
One of confusions in my field is the difference between psychotherapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists.  The term psychotherapist refers to any Ph.D- or Master’s-level degree therapist who has been trained to do therapy with people who have various psychological or situational issues. Situational issues include difficulty adjusting to losses, or life changes such as  divorce, physical limitations, loss of employment or death of a loved one.  

A psychologist typically has a Ph.D., a  PSY.D., or a Master’s in psychology or school psychology.  They are often trained and qualified to do psychological testing. Those with  a Master’s-level degree often become high school counselors or perform psychological testing to determine if students qualify for special education services. Ph.D-level  psychologists either focus on doing research in the behavioral health field,  practice psychotherapy, or may become university professors.  

Psychiatrists attended medical school and specialize in the diagnosis and treatment of  mental health disorders.  In the  last century, psychiatrists traditionally treated patients both through medication and through psychoanalysis, which is based on Freudian psychology. Since the beginning of the 21st Century, psychiatrists have primarily focused on prescribing psychotropic medication and rarely provide psychotherapy.

Trends In My Psychotherapy Practice
I’ve seen a number of other trends in the past few decades. In the early 1990s, it was almost unheard of to diagnose someone with Bipolar Disorder (which was formerly known as Manic Depressive Disorder).  In the past 5 to 10 years, Bipolar Disorder seems to be one of the most commonly diagnosed disorders, next to other mood disorders such as Major Depressive Disorder. Other common diagnoses include various types of anxiety disorders such as Panic Attacks, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.   

In addition, as many of you may remember, Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder, also known as ADD and ADHD, were very popular diagnoses beginning in the late 1980’s, and continue to be commonly diagnosed today.

Although I have not compared this to the national average, another trend I have seen in my private practice in the past 10 years is that more men seem to be attending psychotherapy. One of my theories is that going to therapy became more acceptable among men in the mainstream after they watched Tony Soprano from the hit show The Sopranos attend weekly psychotherapy sessions. Many of my male clients commented that “…if a macho guy like Tony Soprano can go to therapy then why can’t I?” I often wanted to write the network and thank them for helping to create a more accepting climate for men to feel comfortable opening up and discussing their innermost feelings.  I would say that my male client-base rose from about 30% of my totals to nearly 50% over the past 10 years. This is important because it is my belief that both men and women need to share equally in the responsibility of knowing themselves and how their behaviors impact their relationships and the world in general.

Finally, the newest and most significant trend I have seen in the psychotherapy world is people seeking more “spiritual meaning” in their lives.  Not to be confused with religion, “spiritual” is a non-secular term that encompasses a person’s desire to understand how a higher power, the universe, and/or how the divine flow affect their life. I have studied these “metaphysical concepts” to help me better understand how to make needed changes in my life and have incorporated them into my therapy practice to help my clients understand and find solutions to their issues from a very different perspective.  Some of these concepts are very new to the therapy world, and I am excited to be on the forefront of sharing them with you and clients through my blog and workshops. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me!

"Your struggles themselves do not create karma or determine the way you will evolve, only your responses to them." Gary Zukav from Thoughts From the Seat of the Soul.

Most people know the story of Alice In Wonderland in which Alice’s curiosity gets the better of her and she ends up falling down the rabbit hole. For Alice, the rabbit hole represents the beginning of a journey that includes danger, intrigue and strange happenings. When I use the term “rabbit hole” in my therapy sessions, I am referring to our habit of spiraling into the depths of despair many of us experience whenever life throws us a curve ball, or when we get “stuck” in the old negative thought-patterns of beating ourselves up.

One of the techniques I teach my clients is to learn to recognize when they are in danger of falling into that rabbit hole, and to learn to stop themselves before it happens. When you can identify that you are in that same negative loop, you can see the rabbit hole and even go near it, but remind yourself, “I know where this leads and how difficult it is to get out once I fall into the dark abyss.”

So what do you do instead?  You identify the trigger that started the negative thoughts, and track it back to other times you felt that way. For instance, if someone cuts you off in traffic, you don’t get recognized at work for a job well done, and then your kids don’t listen to you, your trigger may be feeling invisible or not feeling important. Once a person becomes skilled at identifying their triggers, then it will become clearer each time you have an intense emotional reaction to an external circumstance what your childhood wound or wounds are.

Typically a “childhood wound,” is an unmet need from childhood usually related to receiving and/or interpreting negative messages from our primary caretakers and other influential people in our life (i.e. teachers, peers, coaches). Those messages develop into faulty belief systems about ourselves and the world which in the therapy field is often called “stinking thinking” or “distorted thoughts.” Once we have developed these ingrained faulty belief systems, we not only filter information that supports those beliefs but we may also manifest those beliefs, often known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Therefore, it is important to both identify your core wound(s), as well as gain clarity about how certain beliefs you hold are the basis for your downward spiral.  

Ultimately, our core wounds boil down to several possibilities including not feeling good enough or adequate enough, not feeling loveable, not feeling important or feeling invisible, or not feeling deserving or worthy.  One of the best ways to figure out what your primary and/or secondary wound is, is to recall painful experiences from your childhood and then decipher which message or messages they translated into as you became an adolescent and adult.