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Discovering Your True Self and Enhancing Your Relationships

This blog is a resource to help you improve your relationship with yourself and others. It is my hope that the information and workshops and groups I provide will help you gain more self-awareness and give you the tools you need to eliminate obstacles to reaching your Highest Potential. My ultimate goal is to help people get out of the "insanity" loop, aptly described as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." 

Healing and Anger Management Groups

Fictional Finalisms

4/28/2014

1 Comment

 
“Seek not outside yourself. For all your pain comes simply from a futile search for what you want, insisting where it must be found. What if it is not there? Do you prefer that you be right or be happy? Be glad that you are told where happiness abides, and seek no longer elsewhere. You will fail. But it is given you to know the truth, and not seek for it outside yourself.” Helen Schucman from A Course In Miracles 

When I was in college, I learned a term in my psychology class that stuck with me: “fictional finalisms.” Since I have become a therapist, this term has become even more relevant because it describes a faulty belief system that so many of us hold. In simple terms, fictional finalisms means we believe that once we attain a particular goal in our life that we have been striving to achieve, then everything will be “all better” and we won’t have anything else to worry about. In metaphorical terms, it’s as though you are on a train, waiting for the final train station because you believe that when you arrive there, you will finally be happy, achieve inner peace, be stress free, etc. – because it is where you’ve always wanted to be.

There are several things wrong with this way of thinking. First, as many of us reach milestones in our life -- such as graduating from school, getting married, landing that perfect job or finally moving out of our parent’s house -- we then realize that with each one gained, there is another level of challenges and obstacles we need to face. Secondly, when we are so focused on the “final destination,” we dismiss the importance of the journey and all the beautiful scenery and possible personal growth we can gain along the way. As Miley Cyrus’ song “It’s the Climb” illustrates (sorry to quote such a controversial celebrity, but I love the song), it isn’t finally reaching the top of the mountain that’s the point of life, but the journey along the way.

Instead of focusing on the final destination as the answer to our happiness, one of the only ways I believe we can achieve that inner peace and reach a place of contentment in our life is to lower our expectations and not be attached to a particular outcome. We cannot control what the Universe decides to throw at us, so ultimately it’s not WHAT happens to us but HOW we handle it.

There is a Spiritual book I recommend called, When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron that explains this concept really well. Basically the author says that we cling to “babysitters” in the desperate hope that certain thing or person will fill the void and make us finally feel secure in such an unpredictable world. She goes on to explain that we have to let go of the belief that we will find reassurance outside of ourselves and instead look within to discover our inner peace.

My message here is not to say that you shouldn’t have goals or be proud of your achievements. It’s just a reminder that it is not healthy or helpful to base all of our happiness and sense of self-worth on reaching a final outcome. On the other hand, learning to identify and be grateful for the daily successes, living in the moment, and trusting and going with the flow are focuses that will help you to maneuver through life more enjoyably and gracefully.



1 Comment
Les Bailey
5/5/2014 08:26:11 am

This is so true, I do this, rushing to the finish line, waiting for the result that I have came up with. The flow of the journey is really what it's about, lessons learned, and the Understanding to apply these messages to every day life. I have to be reminded myself all the time, to stop breath and understand that I have it so good and be greatful!

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    "Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right, it is not yet the end." 
    ~ Patel, Hotel Manager, "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" 

    About the Author

    Ariel A. Schulz, MSW, LCSW has been a psychotherapist for more than 25 years. She has had a thriving practice since 2000 in the Phoenix, Arizona area serving adults,  adolescents and children in couples, individual and family sessions. Ariel has collaborated with several colleagues including Jennifer Slothower, LPC (Thunderbird Oasis) and Loretta Zerelli, LPC (Sunrise Professional Counseling, PLLC). Jennifer and Ariel have provided workshops using Emotional Focused Therapy (EFT) to help couples improve the connection, bond and security in their relationship. 
    Loretta and Ariel are developing a business called Luminations Healing Center, LLC, which is focused on the prevention and intervention of domestic violence and intimate partner violence by providing treatment and psycho-educational groups. 

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